Triumph And regret...

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Triumph And regret...

Post  the fishassassin on Sun Jul 18, 2010 1:32 pm

The chapalin was going through another flashback, his squad heading for cadia, had been clipped by a traitors lascannon, then ending up in this wasteland, the harsh cold was just pure torment.
A monstrous Daemon, part machine, had jumped through the space just in front of his squad.
He Was the only survivor, but avenging the fallen was sweet.
His Five Remaining Squad Members had got ripped apart by the Daemon, and, while feasting, he had shot a plasma shot directly in the back.
Although no-one was there to hear him, he roared "For the Emperor!!!",and was only replied by a scream and a bone chilling howl.
There were still daemons here.
Never Had the chaplain tasted fear before.
The Howling was getting closer, so the doomed chaplain ran to high ground, only instinct could save him now.
mad With fear he gave up the tactics, and decided to just run down the hill.
He Looked Back, Flesh Hounds, Fresh Blood on their fangs...
And he ran into a squad of heretics.
The Word Bearers Laughed, Stepping back to enjoy the show.
He Turned.
And What A show it was Twisted Evil


Last edited by the fishassassin on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:11 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  Celtic on Sun Jul 18, 2010 2:38 pm

The way you've set it out makes it sound a bit like a reading from the bible.
It's good, but the structure could do with a bit of revising

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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  firenze on Mon Jul 19, 2010 2:05 am

AYe, as Jericho said, it doesn't flow as well as it could. With a bit of work the story could be excellent.

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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  the fishassassin on Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:24 pm

Jericho wrote:The way you've set it out makes it sound a bit like a reading from the bible.
It's good, but the structure could do with a bit of revising
Yeah you're right.
the first half was meant to be a bit like that. drunken
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  Celtic on Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:33 pm

the fishassassin wrote:the first half was meant to be a bit like that. drunken

It was actually more the second half that looked more like a bible reading

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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  the fishassassin on Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:40 pm

Jericho wrote:
the fishassassin wrote:the first half was meant to be a bit like that. drunken

It was actually more the second half that looked more like a bible reading

....
ah.
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  ninja banana on Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:44 pm

I agree, it's a good story but it lacks detail and the sentences don't flow
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  the fishassassin on Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:48 pm

ninjabananascheeselovers wrote:I agree, it's a good story but it lacks detail and the sentences don't flow
I was editing it while you posted that, look again. Cool
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  ninja banana on Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:51 pm

sorry but it still dosen't flow together, try using connectives Smile
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  the fishassassin on Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:55 pm

ninjabananascheeselovers wrote:sorry but it still dosen't flow together, try using connectives Smile
... * Loads Gun* ....
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  Celtic on Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:56 pm

sorry, (grammar Nazism approaching), but you don't need that many capital letters.
It still doesn't flow particularly well - It moves from one idea to another a bit too quickly, there's not a lot of description there and little scene setting. I still reckon it would be better with some more development

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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  the fishassassin on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:00 pm

Jericho wrote:sorry, (grammar Nazism approaching), but you don't need that many capital letters.
It still doesn't flow particularly well - It moves from one idea to another a bit too quickly, there's not a lot of description there and little scene setting. I still reckon it would be better with some more development
* Loads another gun *
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  Celtic on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:08 pm

*notes with some measure of amusement that Jacob hasn't fired either*
seriously, it could be somewhat better if you developed it somewhat

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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  the fishassassin on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:13 pm

Jericho wrote:*notes with some measure of amusement that Jacob hasn't fired either*
seriously, it could be somewhat better if you developed it somewhat
Just did.
* blesses first gun*
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  Celtic on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:16 pm

developing doesn't just mean adding the word 'doomed' and lengthening it a bit.

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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  the fishassassin on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:20 pm

Jericho wrote:developing doesn't just mean adding the word 'doomed' and lengthening it a bit.
*Throws both guns at azrail*
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  Celtic on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:23 pm

*watches as they are launched at this 'Azrail' person of whom Jericho has never heard and laughs at both Jacob for throwing them at the wrong person and at 'Azrail' for getting owned by a year 8*

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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  the fishassassin on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:25 pm

Jericho wrote:*watches as they are launched at this 'Azrail' person of whom Jericho has never heard and laughs at both Jacob for throwing them at the wrong person and at 'Azrail' for getting owned by a year 8*

*Places "Jericho" in a sacrificial circle*
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  Celtic on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:28 pm

*waits patiently for something to happen with a smirk*
Take the criticism, Jacob, and develop it properly

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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  the fishassassin on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:33 pm

Jericho wrote:*waits patiently for something to happen with a smirk*
Take the criticism, Jacob, and develop it properly
Well i haven't enough time to do it tonight
* walks off and lets tzeentch decide his fate. *
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  Celtic on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:36 pm

*walks off as tzeentch doesn't exist*

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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  the fishassassin on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:37 pm

Jericho wrote:*walks off as tzeentch doesn't exist*
Stop offending my religion Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad





50th POST!!!!! Twisted Evil Twisted Evil Twisted Evil
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Re: Triumph And regret...

Post  Celtic on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:41 pm

the fishassassin wrote:Stop offending my religion Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad


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