Triumph And regret...
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Triumph And regret...
The chapalin was going through another flashback, his squad heading for cadia, had been clipped by a traitors lascannon, then ending up in this wasteland, the harsh cold was just pure torment.
A monstrous Daemon, part machine, had jumped through the space just in front of his squad.
He Was the only survivor, but avenging the fallen was sweet.
His Five Remaining Squad Members had got ripped apart by the Daemon, and, while feasting, he had shot a plasma shot directly in the back.
Although no-one was there to hear him, he roared "For the Emperor!!!",and was only replied by a scream and a bone chilling howl.
There were still daemons here.
Never Had the chaplain tasted fear before.
The Howling was getting closer, so the doomed chaplain ran to high ground, only instinct could save him now.
mad With fear he gave up the tactics, and decided to just run down the hill.
He Looked Back, Flesh Hounds, Fresh Blood on their fangs...
And he ran into a squad of heretics.
The Word Bearers Laughed, Stepping back to enjoy the show.
He Turned.
And What A show it was
A monstrous Daemon, part machine, had jumped through the space just in front of his squad.
He Was the only survivor, but avenging the fallen was sweet.
His Five Remaining Squad Members had got ripped apart by the Daemon, and, while feasting, he had shot a plasma shot directly in the back.
Although no-one was there to hear him, he roared "For the Emperor!!!",and was only replied by a scream and a bone chilling howl.
There were still daemons here.
Never Had the chaplain tasted fear before.
The Howling was getting closer, so the doomed chaplain ran to high ground, only instinct could save him now.
mad With fear he gave up the tactics, and decided to just run down the hill.
He Looked Back, Flesh Hounds, Fresh Blood on their fangs...
And he ran into a squad of heretics.
The Word Bearers Laughed, Stepping back to enjoy the show.
He Turned.
And What A show it was
Last edited by the fishassassin on Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:11 pm; edited 3 times in total
the fishassassin- Posts : 113
Join date : 2010-06-29
Age : 26
Re: Triumph And regret...
The way you've set it out makes it sound a bit like a reading from the bible.
It's good, but the structure could do with a bit of revising
It's good, but the structure could do with a bit of revising
Re: Triumph And regret...
AYe, as Jericho said, it doesn't flow as well as it could. With a bit of work the story could be excellent.
firenze- Moderator
- Posts : 162
Join date : 2010-04-23
Age : 32
Location : At my computer desk. Where else?
Re: Triumph And regret...
Yeah you're right.Jericho wrote:The way you've set it out makes it sound a bit like a reading from the bible.
It's good, but the structure could do with a bit of revising
the first half was meant to be a bit like that.
the fishassassin- Posts : 113
Join date : 2010-06-29
Age : 26
Re: Triumph And regret...
the fishassassin wrote:the first half was meant to be a bit like that.
It was actually more the second half that looked more like a bible reading
Re: Triumph And regret...
Jericho wrote:the fishassassin wrote:the first half was meant to be a bit like that.
It was actually more the second half that looked more like a bible reading
....
ah.
the fishassassin- Posts : 113
Join date : 2010-06-29
Age : 26
Re: Triumph And regret...
I agree, it's a good story but it lacks detail and the sentences don't flow
ninja banana- Posts : 207
Join date : 2010-05-28
Age : 26
Location : i'm right behind you
Re: Triumph And regret...
I was editing it while you posted that, look again.ninjabananascheeselovers wrote:I agree, it's a good story but it lacks detail and the sentences don't flow
the fishassassin- Posts : 113
Join date : 2010-06-29
Age : 26
Re: Triumph And regret...
sorry but it still dosen't flow together, try using connectives
ninja banana- Posts : 207
Join date : 2010-05-28
Age : 26
Location : i'm right behind you
Re: Triumph And regret...
... * Loads Gun* ....ninjabananascheeselovers wrote:sorry but it still dosen't flow together, try using connectives
the fishassassin- Posts : 113
Join date : 2010-06-29
Age : 26
Re: Triumph And regret...
sorry, (grammar Nazism approaching), but you don't need that many capital letters.
It still doesn't flow particularly well - It moves from one idea to another a bit too quickly, there's not a lot of description there and little scene setting. I still reckon it would be better with some more development
It still doesn't flow particularly well - It moves from one idea to another a bit too quickly, there's not a lot of description there and little scene setting. I still reckon it would be better with some more development
Re: Triumph And regret...
* Loads another gun *Jericho wrote:sorry, (grammar Nazism approaching), but you don't need that many capital letters.
It still doesn't flow particularly well - It moves from one idea to another a bit too quickly, there's not a lot of description there and little scene setting. I still reckon it would be better with some more development
the fishassassin- Posts : 113
Join date : 2010-06-29
Age : 26
Re: Triumph And regret...
*notes with some measure of amusement that Jacob hasn't fired either*
seriously, it could be somewhat better if you developed it somewhat
seriously, it could be somewhat better if you developed it somewhat
Re: Triumph And regret...
Just did.Jericho wrote:*notes with some measure of amusement that Jacob hasn't fired either*
seriously, it could be somewhat better if you developed it somewhat
* blesses first gun*
the fishassassin- Posts : 113
Join date : 2010-06-29
Age : 26
Re: Triumph And regret...
developing doesn't just mean adding the word 'doomed' and lengthening it a bit.
Re: Triumph And regret...
*Throws both guns at azrail*Jericho wrote:developing doesn't just mean adding the word 'doomed' and lengthening it a bit.
the fishassassin- Posts : 113
Join date : 2010-06-29
Age : 26
Re: Triumph And regret...
*watches as they are launched at this 'Azrail' person of whom Jericho has never heard and laughs at both Jacob for throwing them at the wrong person and at 'Azrail' for getting owned by a year 8*
Re: Triumph And regret...
Jericho wrote:*watches as they are launched at this 'Azrail' person of whom Jericho has never heard and laughs at both Jacob for throwing them at the wrong person and at 'Azrail' for getting owned by a year 8*
*Places "Jericho" in a sacrificial circle*
the fishassassin- Posts : 113
Join date : 2010-06-29
Age : 26
Re: Triumph And regret...
*waits patiently for something to happen with a smirk*
Take the criticism, Jacob, and develop it properly
Take the criticism, Jacob, and develop it properly
Re: Triumph And regret...
Well i haven't enough time to do it tonightJericho wrote:*waits patiently for something to happen with a smirk*
Take the criticism, Jacob, and develop it properly
* walks off and lets tzeentch decide his fate. *
the fishassassin- Posts : 113
Join date : 2010-06-29
Age : 26
Re: Triumph And regret...
Stop offending my religionJericho wrote:*walks off as tzeentch doesn't exist*
50th POST!!!!!
the fishassassin- Posts : 113
Join date : 2010-06-29
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